05 September - Creatures of the Night,

(continued from the journey)

I woke up at 5:00am this morning.  Last night was very difficult for me.  It seems i was not alone in this little hole dug into the ground.  There were other creatures there with me.  I realised this the moment four tiny feet made their way across my face mid sleep.  It felt and sounded like a mouse.  I could not see a thing.  It was dark.  I heard many noises and realised that there were other animals in my space and became afraid.  I tucked myself deeper into my sleeping bag, trying to form a hedge of separation between me and this new world i found myself in only to feel something cold and slimy underneath my armpit.  I was filled with disgust and anguish.  I slipped my fingers underneath, pulled out whatever it was that made its home there and flung it against the stone wall surrounding me.

I became claustrophobic.  I became irritable and frustrated.  I could have been back home in South Africa with relative comfort and ease.  I didn't need this.  This was awful.  Did i leave everything behind just to be paralyzed with fear in a dark hole?  What were these creatures doing here??  This was insane.  I became angry and filled with rage.  Everything inside me felt like revolting.  Everything inside me was screaming out.  My body stiffened to the point of exhaustion.  At that point the question came to me:  "What is going on here Vishalin?  What is really going on here?" :

1)  The creatures were not intruding.  They have been living here long before i stepped in.  I was the intruder.  This was their home and they welcomed me in without objection.  I was the impostor here.  The creatures here were not volatile or harmful to me in any way since i made camp in their home.  If anything, the mouse that ran across my face was bored and wanted to play.  But i already knew this.  So what was the problem here?

2)  Why was i so angry?  And, truthfully, at what?

I spent the rest of that night in bitter sweet contemplation.  I spent it in tears.  Many realisations had occurred to me about myself.  Many visits from ghosts past.  Many memories of love lost.  Bitter pains of times when i closed up for fear of losing.  Bitter pains of times when i did not give my all for fear of being rejected, of times when i froze at the thought of betrayal instead of committing 100%, participating 100%.  I saw many faces that night.  I saw faces of lovers and friends, family and strangers all coming to me in some way or the other in time past, all challenging me to play the game of life.  And i saw myself in response, closing up, refusing.  It was a freeing thought to see myself in that way and realise how many times i had short changed myself from the full spectrum of human experience.   All of these thoughts coming back to me in light of this new realisation.  It was a healing time.  It was a time to go deep, see what was there and surrender it to the sound of the roaring river outside my cave.  Outside the cave of the heart where an eternal flame resides.  I was thankful for the animals in my cave that night.  I was thankful for the river that is always awake.  Ever watchful.  Ever desirous to heal the brokenness that sometimes we try to hide so deep.