Water

This space was made for you.

I'm here now.  I will wait for you.
And while i do, I'll rest here in the water.

There's a story i would like to share with you.
It may tear your heart to pieces and shatter your dreams to dust.
It is a story without words. Will you listen?


















    

There's a song i would like to sing to you
It may move your mind to magic and give wings to your weary soul.
It is a song without a tune.  Will you hear?

Staring at a whirlpool of wonder
afraid to move, afraid to touch, afraid to feel.
History is blinding, memories aren't real.

I am here now.  Give me your hand.
I am here now.  With all that i am.
I will not drop you. I will not let you go
Come, find rest here in the water.

The gift of convenience

You who found me here. Do you see?

Do your eyes tell you the truth? Are you one with the masses: the terrifyingly pleasant, smiley faced, consumer eyed crowd that come and go? Its hard to tell for sure in this dim haze.  These eyes long for the light, but closed they will remain, lest they be burned by a lie. Towering above me; standing there, making a shadow, even in my darkness.

You who found me here. What do you see?

Do you see another? What is it that is moving within your heart? Is it pity? Is it guilt? Is it sorrow? For whom? Will you choose again to be blind? You have come from the light have you not? Have the colourful hues blurred your vision like so many times before? I have been waiting here patiently for you in this dark place. Now you are here. By some fate. By some chance or fortune.

You who found me here. Who do you see?

Do you see another? Do not speak to me unless you truly know. This silence is too precious for empty words. Emotions have no say here. Do not wound me by inauthentic expression. If, in me, you see another, turn and go back into the crowd. It is not your time. Go back. Go back to the madding crowd. Go back to the expensive pashminas, the photos of shining pagodas, the Thangka paintings in your backpack that you scored for a penance with a conquering smile. Go back to the lie that satisfies your minds perpetual craving for happiness .

Go tell them about a poor homeless boy that moved you to tears. Tell them how touching this encounter was and what or how much you gave. Be grateful that you are not in his position. And then try to push away the sound of your bleeding heart, wounded by your minds refusal to truly see.

While you walk away from this moment, know this: I will still be waiting here for you patiently. One day you will return. One day you will surrender all the broken pieces of a life divided. One day you will sit here with me in this darkness and truly be at peace. On that day, I will open my eyes and i will see myself....... for the very first time. This is our destiny my beautiful, eternal soul

Mandir Mein

A friend once asked me about a Shiva temple.  If i was asked which would be the best Shiva temple to visit for some kind of enlightenment? I would say: The best one would be the one that exists in the heart.  It may sound Pat and cliche but hear me out at least.  In India and Nepal, I have seen some of the oldest Shiva temples in the world. One of them being Pashupatinath. In Pashupatinath you will see, at any given time, people coming to die in the temple, mothers coming with their new born babies, bodies being burned on pieces of wood, couples coming in for fertility ceremonies, business men coming in for financial blessings. There is death, life and everything in between, all of this can happen at once in the temple. There is chaos and wonder at any given time just like our lives. In the middle of it all is a black stone linga. Darkness. Nothingness. This is the presence of Shiva.

Here is a thought among the many that circulate and are equally true: The temple is our heart. The temple is life. In the middle of the temple is a darkness. From the darkness burns an eternal flame. Shiva means pure Bliss. Pure freedom from the trappings of manifest existence. Shiva is one without a second. One who is complete in the Self. It is better to visit the cave of ones heart where an eternal flame resides then all the temples in the world without meditating the implication.  There is so much to talk about with regards to this.  Shiva.  Mandir.  Self.  What are your thoughts about it?

08 October - Lost in the Jungle

We all ate together after the satsang. We joined our hearts and hands in prayer, and sat on the floor to eat in the upper room of the ashram. We ate and drank from plates and cups made of leaves. These swami's were simple people yet most held doctorates and were extremely intellectual. After lunch that feeling of restlesness began to grow inside me again. That small voice telling me that i got what i came to this ashram for and that it was time to continue the journey. I bade the swami's farewell, said goodbye to my new friend and mentor Swami Tatwananda and made my way to the town. At the town i paid Rs30 for a shave, i bought a few bananas, some guavas and decided to visit the market. It was fun for a while watching the daily parade but the voice in me started to stir again and i felt a prompting to cross the river unto the other side.

I followed suit and after a long crossing on the Uttarkashi bridge and past the other town, I reached the Ganges again. I thought i would sleep by her shores again this night, this time in the more uninhabited part of Uttarkashi. While walking i saw a foot path, almost hidden, near one of the banks. It was leading up and beyond one of the mountains. I knew it was getting late and taking it would be a higher risk but i decided to follow my instincts in any way. After walking for some time, i got a little lost and was a bit worried about my disposition. An old village lady came walking past me. She turned and looked at me, at first with curiosity and asked "Kya jare he" (where are you going) I replied "Me Desh Deko, me hindi thoda jaante hun." (I am looking at the land, I understand a little hindi)

Her look turned to one of concern and she replied: "Challo." I knew that meant follow me, so i did and another adventure ensued. After walking for some time, we came to a home that rested just above the foot of a mountain. There was a river flowing down past it and it had rice paddies surrounding the encarpment. It was a marvellous site. We entered in through the gate of the homestead. There were 3 ladies sitting in the balcony area with 2 children. They seemed startled to see me at first but after the old lady spoke some words in Hindi, they smiled and bid me to sit down. One of the ladies quickly got up to make me some tea and the other to fetch some water. I felt so much at peace, I felt myself generating much love at that point. We tried communicating. They understood a little bit of english and I a little Hindi so it helped. But most of our communication was from heart. Laughter, smiles, hands and the occasional nod of the head. They all seemed so enthusiastic at my arrival and so full of life. They seemed to trust completely. Every gesture that i made invoked a response or a remark from some person in the group to the entire group. I had never been received so warmly and endearingly before.

After a while and in the midst of our communication game, a gentleman came out of the house. He greeted me and sat down next to me with a calm, collected smile. He tried to speak with me in English. His command of the language seemed better than that of the ladies, although it was not much. He welcomed me and the 6 of us sat there and communicated as the sun set in that beautiful Gharwal village in Uttarkashi. As night approached, i was asked to stay over by the man i came to know as Santosh. I shook my head politely and refused but they protested. I was told that what i did was dangerous. That there were wild animals in that part and for someone who doesnt know his way around he shouldnt walk there freely. Secretly i desired to stay, I had formed a deep love for this family. These people were so simple, so beautifully kind, accepting and loving, how could i be anywhere else at this time, how could i be with anyone else?

We took supper that night together, Santosh and I. The ladies and children ate seperate. Such is their custom. Santosh told me that any visitor in their home is an expression of the Divine. I truly felt that in their treatment of me. And so with divine grace we ate together until out bellies were full.

08 September - Journey Back: Uttarkashi

I awoke yesterday to the sound of the river. How beautiful. How sweet. A bird joined in chorus outside my door and a stray cow from the village outside my back window. I had spent the night in the Chinmaya mission in Uttarkashi. The Ashram is so beautiful and kept so neat and tidy. It sits along the Ganges, further up the hill. It is a hive of activity and a sanctuary of peace. By this i mean that much work gets done here, silently, behind the scenes so to speak. The Chinmaya ashram is a very special place. When one is closer to the Tapovan Kutir with eyes closed, one cannot help but feel the sentient vibrations that constantly resonate in that place.

The day before, whilst sitting on the banks of the Ganga with Swami Tatwananda ji, he shared something with me. This was one of my most memorable conversations with him. Subtle, sentient, sweet and sublime. :) One of the secrets he shared with me was that one of the things that separate Mother Ganges from all other rivers is that she is constantly chanting the Aum. If one can afford to, one can hear it. I had stored this statement somewhere in the back of my mind and had lost the link to it. Nevertheless at 7:00am I sat at the Kutir where Sri Tapovan ji, a wise saint and sage, did his Tapas for more than 30 years. What i experienced was too beautiful for words.

I closed my eyes and i could hear it. The Aum!!! It sounded like a hundred Gregorian, Hindu, Buddhist monks all collectively singing: AUM. It was coming from her. It was coming from the Ganges. It stirred up emotions inside me. I watched as these emotions came to me. I observed the effect it had on my mind and body. I observed the sensations created all through my body. I drifted off.

Work at the Ashram is seamless. I woke up at 5:00am. I took a bath. The ashram had hot water. It felt very different after taking a bath in near freezing water the last four days. Ganges water is cold in the north. I took a bath in Bhojwasa, between Gangotri and Gaumukh and it must have been about 3degrees at most. I washed my clothes and hung them out to dry. I followed through with my practice of Asanas, pranayam and Dhyaan and was out the door by 6:40am. Neville ji, one of the workers at the ashram, was waiting outside to serve me with a nice cup of hot chai. It was still cool outside and the chai was a welcomed relief. I began to make my way to the place that had become so familiar and welcoming to me: Sri Tapovan Maharaj ji's Kutir. I passed Didi who was sweeping the steps so gracefully. I did my namaskar to her and to Sashi ji who's job was to wait on all residents at the guest house. I made my way down the winding path, past the rose bushes and up the stairs into the Kutir. I sat and was at total peace. I heard the Aum again as i closed my eyes. Mother was singing her beautiful song. In the Kutir, i felt and heard these things. I felt the presence of Sri Tapovan ji, I felt the mantras reverberating through the spaces and the walls, through my body and being. I felt great devotion and sacrifice in that place, calling me to a deeper walk.


The bell rang at 8:00am for breakfast. We were served a South Indian breakfast. It included Sambar, Idli and chutney. It was very tasty. :) Afterward i made my way down to the meditation hall next to the Kutir expecting a satsang of sorts with the local ashramites and villagers. Instead Swami's from all the different ashrams in Uttarkashi filtered in, one by one until the room was filled with about 150 swamis, male and female. I was the only person in that entire room that wore clothing that was not Saffron. Further more, i was the only non-swami present. :) I was EXTREMELY uncomfortable, yet excited and humbled at the same time. Slowly the swami's began to interact with me, one by one; a kind gesture, a soft smile, a loving gaze until my inhibitions began to drop and i started to ease into my environment. When this happened it dawned on me that i was not surrounded by personalities or ego but by encompassing love. Mahatma's; humble men who had given up all worldly attachment and small identifications in order to serve humanity at large. These were the real swami's; men and women who have heard the call to serve the world and each other. With deep love and devotion they began to chant the ancient mantras of old, charging the atmosphere with love and divine energy and i out of all people, found myself in the middle of this. How fortunate i was. I closed my eyes again in pure bliss and drifted off.

07 September - Journey back: Uttarkashi

People take rest here in this place.  People find home here at Mothers shores.  I met a swami named Hari Om Ganga.  He came from the south in Kerala to help his guru with his cave in Gangotri.  Just to clean it up and make it more secure.  He was not a swami or anything at the time just an ordinary educated man who had an interest in Hatha Yoga.  He ended up staying at Uttarkashi for 15 years.  When i saw him, saffron cloth and all, i recognised a simplicity and a purity in him.

06 September - Journey back to Gangotri

I woke up at 5 this morning to the sound of the conch in Gangotri.  I could hear the Ganga roaring from the room where i spent the night in Ishavasya Ashram in Gangotri.  I shared the room with the four swamijis from the Chinmaya mission in Kerala.  One of the swamijis is swami Tatwananda, the one i have been developing a relationship with. 

The night before was very tough for me, so many thoughts arose from the deep, so many vices, i could literally feel them choking me.  Last night was different though.  :)  There was a power and a deep peace.  I could feel the energy coarsing through me, calling me, waking me up at different times during the night with what seemed like electrical surges through my body.  It was exilerating and exciting.  Last night was very different.

I woke up at 5, took a bath.  The water was very very cold.  :)  Not as cold as my Ganga bath but almost there.  It rained today.  I decided to leave with the four swami's to the Chinmaya mission in Uttarkashi, the place where Sri Tapovanji did his Tapasya for about 30 to 40 years.  It was a funny situation.  None of us could speak fluent Hindi.  (They were Malyali speaking) We took a bus, assuming that the driver would take us to Uttarkashi.  That was not the case.  He took us as far as a village just past Harsil and asked us to get off.  We were a little confused but agreed that the fare he charged us was surprisingly less for an intended journey all the way to Uttarkashi.  A truck driver offered to take us the rest of the route.

We reached the Chinmaya mission around 2:00pm, all cramped up and tired from our 6 hour long journey.  There were 7 people jammed up at the back seat of a truck that was supposed to only carry 4.  Upon arriving at the ashram, swami Tatwananda asked me to follow him whilst the others unpacked.  He took me to what seemed to look like an ordinary porch or patio within the ashram.  He kneeled down in the centre, said a prayer, stood up and asked me to do the same while he made his way to another swamiji in the ashram, paying no attention to me.  I kneeled down and slowly became aware of the sensations in my body.  It seemed like an external force was acting upon it.  There was a tingling sensation and a depth that seemed almost endless.  When i closed my eyes i became aware of very intense sensations in my forehead and upper body as if it was pulsating to a very beautiful rythm.  I did not feel like opening my eyes.  I did not want to.  I felt like i could stay there forever.  After what must have been some time, i could hear swami's voice, it was slowly getting louder as i drifted back into that reality, waking me up from what felt like deep sleep.

I opened my eyes again and could once again hear the river along with the swami, calling me.  Besides him was the other swami.  They both waited patiently, smiling.  Swami Tatwananda introduced his friend as swami Dayananda, the presiding swami of the ashram in Uttarkashi.  After doing my pranams, i was asked to join them for lunch.  I am now writing from my room in the first floor of the ashram.  It is very beautiful up here.  The air is clean and fresh.  The monkeys are going about their usual village taunts and the Ganges is clearly seen and heard.

After lunch, I took a walk with swami Tatwananda along the banks of the Ganges.  She draws all creatures unto her.  We spoke.  We listnened to each other and to her voice that resonated deep within us.  I am truly glad for meeting this man in the saffron cloth.  His eyes are deep, gentle and compassionate and he speaks the truth.  He is with others but he is truly alone.  He is complete in the Self.  In that regard, I too wish to be like him someday. 

 

05 September - Bhojwasa to Gaumukh continued

Walking up to Bhojwasa, I walked alone.  I had the company of the wild flowers, the insects, the animals that roamed freely but kept to themselves and an occasional pilgrim passing by.  But most of the time, I walked alone.  I saw in the distance four Swami's.  One Swami walked ahead whilst the others followed close by.  I later came to know this Swami as Swami Tatwananda, a Sadhu from Kerala, the Southern part of India.

While walking between him and the group, he would make space beside him.  There seemed to be a silent invitation for me to draw near.  To walk close.  I did.  We walked most of the may in Silence, occasionally smiling at each other.  The rest of the Swami's followed behind.  We eventually made it to Gaumukh.  It was a sight to behold.  A huge figure of an ice mountain shrouded with mist.  Blocks of ice floated down from the big iceberg known as Gaumukh and formed the source of the Ganges.  The water was really cold.  Almost freezing.    We reached there in the early morning, with mist still surrounding most of the mountain, and us.  The mist would clear and we would behold Gaumukh in her splendor.

It was cold.  About 4 degrees.  I was warmly clothed.  As we stood there, the thought came to me:  Okay, this is nice but i am really cold and wouldn't mind being back at my hole in the ground in Bhojwasa around about now.  Just as the thought came to my mind, I saw an old Swami (perhaps in his late 80's) zoom past me with lightning speed.  He was barefooted, skinny and had nothing on him but a shoal around his waste and beads on this neck.  It seemed he was on a mission as he had no time to talk.  I heard later that he is a well respected swami around these parts and that his home was in Tapovan, about 18km away from Gaumukh and 15000 feet above sea level.  He was doing one of his routine walks there.  It was snowing.  He was half naked.  I was not sure that was possible.

Going back to Bhojwasa from Gaumukh i developed a repoir with Swami Tatwananda it seemed.  He always welcomed me beside him/    It was good walking with him.  It was wonderful looking at the peace and calm in his eyes and feeling that so strongly in his presence.  At some point i decided to walk ahead of the group and make my way back to 19km to Gangotri.  I would be there a day earlier and wanted to establish communication with Sunil to let him know.  About 8km down the path, I saw a mountain man walking with his horse.  He asked if i needed a ride.  He asked with an air of desperation in his voice and i could tell that he could use some extra change. I agreed, jumped on the horse and rode back to Gangotri.  There were some very close calls and i was thankful to make it back in one peace.  I made it back to Gangotri well ahead of schedule.  I thought about the others walking behind me and how the path, for all intensive purposes was meant to be walked by foot as i saw it as being meditational and cathartic.  This was not the case with me and i felt a little dissapointed with my decision to ease the load.  I also thought about the horse and the man who would whip it on its rear with a stick.  I realised it may have been a bad idea to have taken the ride.  I will walk to Gaumukh again and back some day soon.  With no horse on the way back though.

05 September - Thoughts on the way to Gaumukh

As i walked through the mountain, i mulled through a few thoughts in my head:

WHAT IF:
When one truly understands the nature of the ocean; its width, its depth, its hidden mysteries, then one can begin to understand its varied expressions in context.  Let me explain:  To the outside world, the oceans most common expressions are the waves.

Ode to the former self

Words that could help describe the space: 

Landslide

~Fleetwood Mac

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky What is love
Can the child within my heart rise above
Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides
Can I handle the seasons of my life



Well, Ive been afraid of changing
cause Ive built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Children get older
Im getting older too

Oh, take my love, take it down
Climb a mountain and turn around
If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well the landslide will bring it down

If you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
Well maybe the landslide will bring it down